Posted by: jility | November 15, 2010

Chuck Holes, Whore Houses and Beards!

These Roads SUCK!

Driving through Oklahoma City yesterday was one of the most unpleasant experiences so far on our trip. They get the award for the worst roads in the Country! To give you an idea of just how bad those roads were, the pedometer that I wear every day only had about 40 steps on it when we left the RV park in the morning but nearly 3,000 steps on it when we arrived at the KOA in Foss Oklahoma that night and I hadn’t walked to the bathroom that many times!

Since I knighted Mel, Sir Cusalot, he has decided that I too need a title so he dubbed me (do women get dubbed?) “Lady Cussevere!” Don’t you LOVE my new name?

OKLAHOMA CITY FIX YOUR FREAKING ROADS!!!!

This Place Smells Like a French Whore House!

 

I love stinky things. I love candles and bath soap and scented salts and diffusers. My favorite aromas are Splendor in the Bath by Aromatique and Bergamot Tobacco diffusers by Archipelago. My knight in shining armor (he rides a big buckskin bus named GW), Sir Cusalot, hates stinky things. I win.

So, as I said, my favorite stinky house thing is the Bergamot Tobacco diffuser. It is a bottle with sticks in it and the smell is incredible. It sure beats the stink from 8 dogs! So I keep this treasure (which I have to special order) in the bathroom on the back of the sink. It was moved somehow, so Sir Cusalot, also a bull in a china shop at times, had clear access to it. He tossed something from the bed and it flew through the air and landed on the diffuser, knocking it over and spreading the precious liquid everywhere. The stink was even too strong for me! He muttered something about how stupid it was to keep a tall, thin, open bottle of stinky shit with sticks sticking out of it making it top heavy, where it could easily be spilled by just looking at it and how much he hated my diffusers and how he wanted to throw them all away. I suggested, lovingly, that he might be more careful when he is clearing off the bed and not toss things in the air without looking first. Well, I might have mentioned something about him being a careless F#@&!^G MORON but I don’t remember for sure. Sir Cusalot thought I might be wrong and went on and on about having DUMB ASS F#&!^g open bottles of LIQUID STINK in a motorhome! I ignored him and he continued, as the grandest knight in his order, doing what he does best. I do think I might try to make sure I cap it off when we move though and then place it in the far back where Lenny from Grapes of Wrath can’t tough it.

 

OH, Sorry, I Thought You Were Helen!

 

If you have ever seen my friend Jef, you would know he is young, about 6’3” tall, weighs 180 pounds (so is quite lean for his size), has very short light brown hair with blond streaks, and, OH,  IS A MAN!.

If you have ever seen me, I am old, about  5’8” tall, weigh, well, let’s just say if I were 6’8” I would be just right, have short GREY hair and , OH, AM NOT A MAN!

Jef is always teasing me about being fat, old and manly looking but that is another story.

So Jef was at a trial last weekend, bending over patting a BC. The owner was behind him and says, “I really liked your funny new YouTube video.” Jef stands up, turns around and says. “What new video?” To which the woman responds, “Oh, sorry, I thought you were Helen.”  WTF??? Jef calls me, really upset and says, “Either you are much younger, thinner, manlier and better looking than I thought or I am much older, fatter, homelier and more feminine looking than I thought!”

“Why?” I ask my dear complimentary friend.

“BECAUSE SOME WOMAN THOUGHT I WAS YOU!!!!”  He yells in disbelief. Then he goes on to say that either way, it was an insult to both of us! Then he tells me it must have been the beard that confused her because we both have one! So I tell him that being fat has its advantages; like certain agility judges don’t hit on you and wives are never jealous so you can have men friends and spouses never worry about anyone else trying to sweep you off your feet. Jef points out that the last point would be physically impossible unless that person were built like the container cranes on the Seattle waterfront! What little there was left of my ego now completely destroyed, I just shrug and we go on to something else.

 

And Finally

 

We made it through the Texas Panhandle, where they win for having the best roads in the County, in no time at all and are now in New Mexico making our way towards Las Cruces. We are almost home J

 


Responses

  1. […] https://jility.wordpress.com/2010/11/15/chuck-holes-whore-houses-and-beards/ […]

  2. ya right… lolol
    Just love the blog, and wonder , have you tried the Bt soy candles ?
    Do they smell as good ?

    • Ya right what? I have some soy candles. THey are fine. I like Yankee Candles best.

  3. Hahaha…Helen that was funny!!! I can just see dad saying how stupid it is to have tall, thin bottles of stinky stuff laying around!

  4. Tom and I considered growing pot a few weeks ago, in discrete little containers around the house (not in secluded groves in the woods where the helicopters can see them) , but then we realized we would have to smoke it (I am no cook) so that was that!! Maybe we should try your bottle with sticks…

  5. Helen – you make me LAUGH!!! Safe driving (and just ignore Sir Cusalot – women are always right 🙂

  6. I was wondering why you had so many candles! Two possibilities came to mind…either you and Mel smoke alot of pot or you use them when you have no electricity….guess I was WRONG on both guesses!

    • LOL! Laura, Mel and I haven’t smoked pot since 1975!


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