Posted by: jility | January 7, 2011

Just How Fat DO You Plan to Get?

The traffic was extremely light on all the freeways we travelled as we made our way to LAX airport. We left early, thinking that on a Friday morning, things would be crazy between 7:30 and 9 AM on the Southern California freeways. NOT THE CASE! My plane was due to take off at noon and Google said LAX was only 1 1/2 hours away but, if the LA traffic went as usual, well, it could be an eternity getting to the airport. I don’t think we had to slow once the entire trip that spanned four different normally crazy packed freeways!

We arrived at the departing airline around 9 AM. Sir Cussalot unloaded my bags while the eight Hooligans cussed out the passengers milling around outside their domain. Josephine and Uppity shook like an IG at the North Pole as the rabble-rousers continued to rock the Stinkmobile. It looked like an old Cheech and Chong van as it bounced around by the curb.

Jose and Upp are both scared to death of airplane noises and Upp hates big trucks too. They shake so hard you would think they were going to die. Jose reacts the same if there is heavy rain and the satellite causes the TV to snap. The first thing she wants to do is jump in my lap. Sir Cussalot gave me a hug and a kiss good-bye with a gleam in his eye. I could just hear his brain thinking that the next ten days without me would be pure and quiet HEAVEN! I wondered how on earth he would remember to feed himself or the dogs or get up or do anything without me there to nag him! Most of all I wondered how he would ever find anything without me! However, I am sure all will go well so if he does fine without me, what I don’t know won’t hurt.

So with three hours to kill before my flight, I decided to write a blog. I debated whether to write about this experience or not. Sir C said it was too personal and Uncle Jef said that as long as I made it funny it would be OK. “After all,” he said to me, “all the great comedians are funny because they laugh at themselves and personal things about others and what is funnier than fat jokes?” But THESE fat jokes will be at MY expense.

Just pretend you are my therapist (not that I have one) and I am taking you back to where it all began.

I can’t remember a time in my life that I wasn’t trying to lose weight. Evidence shows that fat babies make fat kids and then fatter adults. DUH. They also say (who the hell are “THEY” anyway?) that you get all the fat cells you will have in your life as a baby. Well, I think the box spilled when the were giving out fat cells because I got mine and enough for a mid-sized city! My fat cells want to be full. THEY DRIVE ME TO FILL THEM!! I reach my maximum weight, then struggle to lose what I have gained. This has been how it has gone since I went on my first diet at EIGHT YEARS OLD!

Being the third of six kids and the ONLY fat one, my mother took me to the doctor in 1958 to see if there was something wrong with me. They did these long involved thyroid tests that took forever (at least at 8 that is how it felt). The conclusion was that that I am  FAT F#@K and needed to eat less! Could it have been the endless supply of cakes, candy and ice cream in our home? How about the dozen or so fresh donuts and chocolate covered eclairs delivered every other day or so or the very rich diet morning noon and night?

My siblings teased me to no end about being fat and my father called me his “tiny pear” for obvious reasons that still hold true today only I am no longer tiny. I have gained and lost 100 pounds in one fell swoop many times and fifty pounds or so more than I can count. I hate being fat. I hate dieting. I hate buying clothes. I hate my cellulite and I hate the fact that my ass looks like a golfball on steroids and my arms keep waving long after I stop and my stomach looks like I am ready to don the Santa suit!

So last fall I decided it was time to really do something about it. After breaking my knee and having two surgeries to repair it a year apart, I am finally well enough to think about losing weight. I have been to the Optimum Health Institute a bunch of times. It is a raw vegan place in Lemon Grove, California. They starve you and you lose a ton of weight but, sadly, I always gain it back. Sir C reminded me once that you never see fat old people. The older they are the thinner they are. It is true! Since I plan to live to be 120 and still be doing BIG JILITY, I think it is time to stop looking for that magic weight loss pill and get serious about taking care of myself.

This time I decided to try a different approach. Instead of going to the raw place where I will lose a ton of weight but the raw food prep is not easy to do once I return home, I chose the McDougall 10 Program in Santa Rosa, California. They serve fat free vegan food, give you an exercise program and monitor your vital signs. It is expensive but I am worth it (aren’t I?). Uncle Jef said I should give him the money and he will keep me in a closet at his house, call me fat names, chase me around the house with a stick to make me exercise and feed me bread and water for ten days. Hell, he said he would keep me there for two weeks for that kind of money!

I honestly think I am the ONLY fat vegan in existence. I am addicted to fake meats, movie popcorn (with the fake plastic butter of course) and anything else fattening in my vegan world. I know what I need to do but choose to not do it. I may have good intentions but they fall by the way side at the first sight of Uncle Eddies cookies! Sir C has a wicked sweet tooth and brings all kinds of great and fattening things into our Global Warmer. Things I try hard to resist but, in the end (no pun intended) I cave. He eats what he wants and when he wants and he weighs three pounds. I get fat just WATCHING him eat! I added up his caloric intake once and it was about 5,000 calories a day! WTF? How is that fair???

We all know the skinny bitches who can eat whatever they want and never gain a pound. They live on hamburgers, chips, fries or whatever else their little (and I MEAN LITTLE!) hearts desire and stay freaking thin! If these women cared about the fat women in the world, they would pretend to be on a diet at least once in a while! BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! They flaunt it! They are always saying things like, “I’m STARVING!” What, you haven’t eaten in two F#@%!^G minutes???? Wait, let me add some butter to that ice cream for you! I HATE THEM!

When I dress, I try to make sure EVERYTHING is well (and loosely) covered! Nobody wants to look at that shit! They want it so well covered, there won’t even be a chance of their imagination running wild, trying to figure out what it looks like under all those layers!!! Why do some people think we want to see their engorged fat cells through their spandex or tight, sleeveless shirts? ON WHAT PLANET???? Certainly not in MY Universe! Oh, and while I’m at it, the ONLY way I want to know how cold it is outside is to look at a thermometer!!! They have little things called nipple cups so we don’t have to know just how cold you are!

Covering myself to make sure nothing is left to chance is my main priority. I don’t want anyone going blind because of a wardrobe malfunction! So you can imagine my horror when one of the items on the list of what to bring to my vegan boot camp was a BATHING SUIT!!!!! WTF????

This is when you hear the music from the shower scene in the movie Psycho along with blood curdling screams (mine and anyone else who has to actually look at me and a BATHING SUIT!!!)!!!  DEAR GOD!!! THE HUMANITY!!!

OK Helen, take a deep breath and focus. Sometimes reliving the horror is as bad as the actual event.

So I put off the search for the perfect bathing suit as long as I could. FInally, the day before I was due to leave, I went on my quest to to find the suit. I have read about the “Miracle Suit” that claims to take pounds off you. I wondered how many pounds; 5 -10 -15 maybe? WELL I NEEDED A SUIT TO REMOVE 100 FREAKING POUNDS!!!! The search would not be easy and I only had a couple of hours to find it.

First we went to see True Grit (great movie) for my last (for a while anyway) movie popcorn fix. I needed to prime the pity pump before the impossible dream of finding that SUPER Miracle Suit that takes off 100 ugly, cellulited pounds! After the movie I went across the street to the mall while Sir C went to run his own errands. I did not want him to see me in the state in which I knew I would be on and during my search. Somethings are still best left to the imagination.

The first few stops I made had no suits. So I went to the fat lady store; NO SUITS except a couple of “smaller” large sizes (oxymoron?) left in the back room. I gave them a try. I pulled and struggled and grunted and groaned but, alas, the material was stretched so tightly you could see through it and I still couldn’t even get them over my fat ass. Then I saw it! I glanced to my left and there was an ENORMOUS old fat woman with  bathing suit half on her obese body staring at me! HOLY SHIT!!! Then I wondered who was that fat old woman and what had she done with Helen!!!! I ripped off the little bit of suit I had managed to stretch over my lower half and redressed quickly into my well covering, loosely fitting clothes, handed the suits to the saleswoman and left nearly in tears.

I tried several more stores to no avail and finally, one saleswoman suggest I try Kohl’s. She said she had seen that they had bathings suits out already so we headed to Kohl’s.

After walking around the store with no luck finding the swim suits, I did find a saleswoman who told me they were in the MISSES department. “MISSES” I said incredulously as I motioned to my larger frame, “I need the fat lady suits!” She looked at me, obviously a bit embarrassed (my openness tends to make some people uncomfortable – imagine that? 😉 and said they had “plus” sizes as well. She pointed me in the right direction and off I went.

They had a lot of swim suits on the rack in all sizes! I hoped I would find that “Miracle Suit” that takes off 100 pounds! Then I noticed that they only sell the fat lady swim suits in separate tops and bottoms! WTF? What if the top floated up while I was in the water???? What if somebody saw what was under there??? I could be sued for turning them blind! I tried the suits in the high teens but, alas they were too small. I had no choice but to go for the two piece pieces of crap with hopes that the top stayed PUT!

Now used to that image of horror in the mirror, I found a suit that went over my fat ass and covered my stomach. Good to go.

When I met Sir C, I weighed 118 pounds! I am 5’8” tall!!! I wore a size 9 (that is like a 4 now in fat years as they have made the sizing larger to make us fat people like me feel better). He made the fatal error of telling me I was too thin at the time. Well I showed him didn’t I.

I made my way to gate 46B and boarded the plane for the short flight to Las Vegas where I would change planes for another short flight to Santa Rosa. I wriggled my fat arse into the seat and lengthened the seat belt to the end of its rope. A few more pounds and I be buying two ticks – one for each cheek!

An old friend of mine about my age has been married for 40 plus years. Many years ago she was a voluptuous blond beach bunny surfer babe and quite the number in her day. She met her husband at the beach and he was quite the catch at the time too.They made a spectacular couple! Well two kids and twenty years later she began to gain weight. At first he kidded her but then it turned serious. He even made a sign and taped it to the outside of the passenger window of the car that read, “NO FAT CHICKS!!!!” One day, exasperated at her weight gain, he looked at her and asked, “Just how fat DO you plan to get?”

I am blessed to have lived with the greatest man on earth for the past 36 years. He has stuck with me through thick and thin (and I don’t mean just my body). He may cussalot and suffer from Idontgiveashitzheimer’s but, even after 36 years of putting up with me, he still laughs at my dumb ass stupid jokes.

I may constantly fight the Battle of the bulge but I am blessed to fight my battle next to a man I adore with all my heart.



  1. Aww…. I had a tear in my eye (just one eye now!) when you wrote that last sentence! Love reading your blogs Helen! You say it like it is…. and you know I like that :)) Hang in there on the McDougall program! I’m rooting for ya 🙂

    Suzanne (who is loosing more weight…. OK…. KICK ME … and load some butta up on my vegan ice cream !! Baaaa haaaa)

  2. Awwww….very nice what you said about dad 🙂

  3. Helen, I can relate to your predicament. I do not even own a bathing suit! Good luck, and please keep us up to date. I always look forward to the laughs you give us in your blog!

  4. Good luck from NH! Let me know how you do…as I have had the same battles…
    From the FH of Skye….the dog you liked….

  5. Good luck, Helen!
    If you find something that works, let me know…from another FH…in New Hampshire with a black girl that you like…

  6. Good luck helen! So many of us understand the struggle, whether it’s a 20, 50, or 100 lb. swing. But it’s the way you are able to express it, that makes us want to share your journey. I read no blogs except for yours and my nephew’s, who is in France teaching English for the year, because they all seem to be mostly verbal masturbation. You always have real observations about life, love and living, with your incredible sense of humor.

    Sending you a big hug, Lisa

    • THhanks so much Lisa! That means a lot to me :). I hope to see you soon!

  7. I do NOT like reading blogs. NOrmally I think they are boring and mostly written by self centered people who seem to think that others are so interested in their every activity as to take time every day to read. There are a couple exemptions for me, and One of the VERY BEST , and one I look forward to is yours.
    YOu have the ability to write in a very clean sense, and yo make it easy to identify.
    I totally understood every word you wrote in this blog, as I have experienced the exact same thing…..
    I am so happy that you have one off for a change, and as I struggle on my own , I will use your ideas and example to spur me on !
    Good luck , and I hope you can blog from down there !!
    I enjoy the recipe’s on the side of this page !

    • Thank you Theresa. Mel says my blogs are too personal (especially this one) but I think people can relate (except those freakin skinny bitches!)

  8. we love you Helen!

  9. Helen, you have the best blog ever!!

    • Thanks so much! I appreciate the encouragement! 😉

      • Good luck, Helen from the FH of Skye…
        I have had similar experiences and struggles!

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