Posted by: jility | January 15, 2011

Downward Facing Intercontinental Ballistic Missile

Last night at dinner I mentioned I wanted to walk across the street to the ATM because the machine in the hotel was not working. One of the nice people staying here offered to go with me just in case. I thought that might be a good idea but then we all stayed too long laughing at the table so I was too tired to go. I figured I’d go about 6:30 in the morning because all the robbers, druggies and drunks would be home sleeping it off by then. NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING!

So, at 6:30 this morning, I walked out the hotel door and headed to the Safeway shopping center across the way. It was still pitch black outside but, as I explained above, I thought the time of the day would make it safe.

Rather than go all the way down to the well lit Safeway, I decided to stop at the dark bank ATM and withdraw money form there for the cab ride home and to pay for the two Dr. Doug Lisle DVDs I had bought. I inserted my card but things weren’t coming up as quickly as I had expected and the machine was a little different. I was totally involved in what I was doing with no regard to my surroundings when I heard a man’s voice say angrily, “SIR!” I didn’t respond. I heard it again, “SIR!” only this time it was louder and with more agitation. I recognized the speech as tweaker slur (think meth) and didn’t want to turn around. My mind raced from, I am dead meat and now I am going to get robbed to… THAT LITTLE F#@%$R JUST CALLED ME SIR!!!

SIR!!! WTF??? My biggest fear in life is being mistaken for a man and now, not only am I getting robbed, that little bastard think I am a guy! To my defense, I had no purse and he only saw my fat ass but WHATEVER!!!!

The next things through my mind were how I would talk my way out of this and stay alive and did he have a gun? He started to approach me as I turned around and he got this furious look on his face as he saw the look of horror on MY face. I have dealt with   a few tweakers and know that they can turn violent in a heartbeat so I needed to keep my cool. He had his hand in his pocket like he had a gun. I glanced down at his hand and he started babbling something like, “YOU THINK I AM GOING TO ROB YOU DON’T YOU! I SEE THAT LOOK ON YOUR FACE!” So now I have really pissed him off and need to fix it and quickly!

“Oh! NO!” I said and then smiled and chuckled as I said the following to him,”You called me sir! That is my worst fear that somebody will think I am a man!” He looked at me and cocked his head. I had no fear or anxiety on my face at all. I was calm and confident. I had nothing to lose so why panic? There was not a soul around and it was dark. He repeated, “YOU THINK I WANT TO ROB YOU AND THAT MAKES ME MAD THAT YOU WOULD DISRESPECT ME LIKE THAT! I JUST WANT A RIDE!” (yeah, like I would give this tweaker a ride and he could justify all he wanted but that was a good thing because now he had to NOT rob me to save face – or so I hoped!).

I thought fast and said, “I would give you a ride in a heartbeat if I had a car!” I was going to tell him I was staying at the hotel but then thought he might get an idea to come after me when I walked back over there so I said, “I work over at Safeway,” and pointed down the way, “and just ran up here for a minute.”

“For reals?” he says.

“YEAH!” I tell him like he is my long lost bud. I would have NO problem giving you a ride!

“Really?” The man says and looks at me with a much softer expression now. Luckily, I have my McDougall name tag on so my Safeway story is not so far fetched in his mind. Besides, he is so far out of it, he wouldn’t know the difference anyway.

“Well,” he says, “I was gonna rob you but you really DO respect me don’t you!”

OF COURSE!” I tell him, not believing my bullshit is actually working!

So now I see his hand starting to come out of his pocket and I am thinking he is going to pull that gun out and shoot my fat ass and I have not even lost any weight on my new program yet and how will I never wear that thong bikini if I am dead! But instead of shooting me, he extends his hand to shake mine!!! Without missing a beat, I thrust my hand towards his and we shake vigorously with smiles on both of our faces. Meanwhile, my heart is racing a million miles an hour.

So I tell him I have to get to work and he turns and walks off in the other direction. About ten feet from me he starts screaming and yelling at the top of his lungs but I just keep walking like nothing is going on at all. I am hoping there are no bullets coming in my direction towards my broad, evidently manlike backside. I turn the corner towards Safeway and see another man coming across the parking lot towards the next bank of ATMs. He looks at me and says, “WOW! THAT was scary! I heard him yelling at you.”

Now this guy looks normal and he was a good looking guy in his mid to late thirties maybe. I told him what happened and said I was staying at the hotel and now was scared to walk over there and I still needed to get money. So the guy tells me HE will be happy to give me a ride to the hotel and points to his broken down piece of shit car! So now I’m thinking that he is the supplier and the tweaker was out to get money to pay him. I glanced down the street and saw some Safeway employees standing outside looking in my direction. This guy sees them too.

I told him no thanks but would feel safe if he stood there with me while I get out my money. What a liar! I figured with the Safeway folks, he isn’t going to do anything and he already knows I am there to get money. So I did my thing and, as I was finishing up, two police cars come FLYING down the road towards Safeway and drive right past me. They turn around and start back slowly so I flagged down the first car. It was a woman officer and she says, “What is it? I am looking for somebody right now so I can’t help you.” I said, “Yes! I know who you are looking for and he is very scary and he went that way!” I said pointing in his direction.

Off they sped and I walked towards Safeway, not even looking at my new best friend who was going to save me and drive me to the hotel.

The Safeway people said the tweaker had been in the store and they called the cops because he was so stoned out of his mind he thought it was 6:30 at night instead of the morning and he was screaming and VERY belligerent. I told them what happened and said I was scared to walk by him for fear he might think I called the cops! I milled around for a bit, then walked back towards the hotel to see if I could see what was happening.

The police had found him and they were in the process of handcuffing him while I watched from a distance. They sat him down on the sidewalk and were talking to him so I figured he was so out of it he wouldn’t even notice me so I snuck behind them back to the hotel.

SCARY SHIT RIGHT THERE!!! BUT…at least I am here to tell about it 🙂

 

SOOOOOOO…

 

As I have written over the past week or so, there are many benefits to this 10 Day McDougall Program. I came for my health. My weight is just a byproduct of my eating style. Even though I am a vegan and have been for 20 years, it doesn’t mean I am healthy. When I came in, my cholesterol was 247!!! HOLY CRAP!!! I AM A VEGAN!!!

What we have learned is that being vegan doesn’t make us healthy. Eating correctly makes us heathy. I was eating a ton of processed vegan foods and fat before I came here.

We learned that it only take as little as 1/5 tsp of PLANT oil (not animal fat!) to slow the blood for up to 10 hours! The slower the blood, the more damage it can do to your arteries and oxygen doesn’t get where it needs to go fast enough and waste is not removed fast enough. Consequently, ALL kinds of health problems arise from cancer on down. They cause tumors to grow up to a 1000 times faster and with more frequency! Here is a link to a paper with studies to back it up the information. http://www.drmcdougall.com/misc/2007nl/aug/oils.htm

It is all pretty powerful stuff in my book.

So today our blood was retested. My cholesterol went from 247 down to 185 in just 7 days! I think that is remarkable! My thyroid numbers got better too (low thyroid is often related to high cholesterol). There were people here who came in as omnivores or carnivores who lowered their number even more than I did and one woman lot 11 pounds in 7 days! Sadly, I lost nothing. HOWEVER!!! I ate more here than I have ever eaten in my LIFE, I did not exercise with everyone else (my knee hurt) and I didn’t gain an ounce. So, when I get home, I will just change the composition of my diet to more WHOLE foods (they look like they are grown when you eat them). I know that if I stayed the same here eating the way I did and did not gain, I will certainly lose weight when I go home and refine the food I consume.

This experience was about learning how my body works and what it takes to fuel it. It was about learning how disease works and how to prevent and/or stop it in its tracks. I was on a fact finding mission and the result was mission accomplished! I met some WONDERFUL people here too and reconnected with some old friends.

Last night at dinner, I finally found my peeps! I laughed so hard my cheeks hurt! Now I am talking about my facial cheeks but, I could just as well be talking about the OTHER cheeks as well. We were all sitting around after dinner talking and laughing and, as is normally the case with McDougall program eating groups, the issue of gas came up (so to speak). For the newly converted plant based food eaters, it was a curious phenomenon but for the long time vegans in the group, it was just a way of life. They fed us lots of beans here then stuck us in a room with 46 other folks eating the same thing. Not unlike raising ostriches on crete and scaring them.

The other day we had an assignment to go over to the Safeway to find healthy food and write it down. One of “my peeps” (unknown to me as a “peep” at the time but I had suspicioned him as such), walked away from the group to the next isle. I was done on that isle and also walked to the next one. There he stood all alone just looking into space. I found it curious but whatever. He saw me headed his way and got this look of horror on his face! Then it hit me! HOLY STINKMOBILE BATMAN!!! He had tried as hard as he could to hold in the beans from the previous meal but, alas, they soon got the better of him so, “to be a gentleman” as he put it, he had removed himself from the group to release the pressure valve. I had walked into the tear gas just at its peak! I swear I saw smoke rising above the shelves. I thought he was electing the Pope!

I didn’t want to say anything to embarrass him so I just kind of walked away a little but began looking at the food on the shelves to find what I needed. A few seconds went by and he says, “WHAT ARE YOU DEAF?” I looked at him curiously, wondering what he meant but suspecting and he says, “I FARTED! CAN’T YOU SMELL IT?”

“OF COURSE I CAN SMELL IT! THEY CAN SMELL IT ON THE NEXT COUNTY!!!” I replied. “But why did you ask me if I was deaf? Clearly the deed had been long done by the time I got here because I smelled it coming up the aisle!”

He shrugged and said, “Because I don’t know the word for a nose that doesn’t work!”

“Well MY nose works just fine! As a matter of fact, my nose works TOO well!!!”

We laughed, told some more fart stories and walked on – peeps forever.

So last night at dinner he told that story and clearly, our table was of like juvenile mind (well, except for the stiff-faced woman who got up in a humph and left) because we all ended up laughing so hard we cried and couldn’t breathe. Then I asked them how yoga was going. I have not gone because I know damn well if I get down on the floor, AIN’T NO WAY I’M EVER GETTING UP! They said fine and started talking about it but I interrupted (unfortunately, I am good at that) and said, “NO! I want to know how many people in there are farting from all the beans they serve here!”

They all broke into laughter but the man across form me I had originally labeled as a bit of a stuffed shirt the first day said laughing so hard he could barely get the words out, “Oh, you mean DOWNWARD FACING INTERCONTINENTAL MISSILE!” To which the table erupted into even louder laughter!

 


Responses

  1. This was one of the best blog entries Helen! I laughed so hard!! I wish I could attend one of the McDougall seninars! Just fascinating!

    Oh… is Seasame Seed Oil allowed?

    • Sadly, no it is not.
      However, I posted a great recipe on my blog at the bottom right that will satify you for your noodle! I guaranty it!

  2. Hi Helen – I was there with you at McDougall and loved your telling of the stories…hope I wasn’t the “stiff-faced woman”! surely not! Thanks for your writing – I will return. Going well so far, and wonderful to be in touch with our crowd.

    • LOL! NO Linda! You were not 🙂 Good to hear from you.
      Helen

  3. Helen,

    Whew….Your experience is like my every morning commute on mass transit at 6:00 am….the tweakers haven’t gone to bed yet and are still happily making deals in plain sight at that time of the morning….I will keep your strategies in mind since they worked! I usually pretend that I am deaf and keep on going. So far, so good.

  4. I’d love to know what you are eating while you’re there.
    The incident with the druggies is scary, but you handled it with great Helen expertise and humor.
    Good luck to you, and hope the rest of the time is uneventful.

    • Hi,
      We are eating salad, corn, veggies, potatoes, beans (of all kinds), a LITTLE tofu (not much though), fruit, oatmeal, brown rice and soup. The food is amazing but the information is spectacular!

  5. Holy Crap !!!!
    What a scary encounter…. Really glad you are still here.
    hard to decide which cd’s to buy…. they all sound so good, but at least are affordable.
    beans beans haaat’s haaaat’s….

    • Go to your local library and ask them to order them for you! Then you can watch for free ht you can’t afford.


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