Posted by: jility | May 16, 2012

Top Ten Things You Might Be Too Chicken to Say at Agility Trials


Continuing along the same inappropriate and offensive lines as some of my previous politically incorrect blogs…

Here are the top ten things you might be too chicken to say at agility trials.

10. YEAH, YEAH, I get it, if your dog hadn’t been wide he would have run that course in 20 yards per second and kicked our dog’s ass. Get over yourself.

9. HEY! MORON! It’s ALWAYS our fault when our dog goes wrong! Why do you keep blaming your poor confused dog for your shitty training and shitty handling?

8. You’re old for F#@K SAKE! PUT ON A BRA! Nobody wants to see those things swinging down past your waist!

7. (For the uptight Pacific Northwest trials only) Has anyone seen the Pope? I need permission to change my dog’s running order.

6. If you don’t shut that F#@&!^G dog up, I am going to debark the little bastard with my bare hands! (OOPS – never mind, that’s my dog).


5. HEY! Judge! I’d like to see YOU run this crappy course with a fast dog!

4. Pardon me judge, but what do YOU run, old fat Chihuahuas?  Can you say FLOW? This sport is supposed to FUN you miserable killjoy!

3. I have watched your dog break its start line stay for the past year and a half. Why do you always look shocked when it blows by you as you are leading out?

2. Do you REALLY think you look good in spandex? C’mon! REALLY??? LOOK IN THE MIRROR!!! Cover that shit up for F#@K SAKE! Nobody wants to look at your junk!

1. I prefer to know how cold it is outside by checking a thermometer, not your boobs.

(These are available at most stores. You can easily slip them into your bra to prevent tipping off the whole world of any temperature fluctuations – BUY SOME AND USE THEM FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!)

Please add the thing YOU would most like to say at a trial but are too chicken! Please add your favorite line to the comments below.

Helen  Grinnell King


  1. This is exactly why I quit agility & obedience trials. Love the dogs, love the training. The people? Not so much.

  2. It’s like “The Dog Snobs”…. agility version.

  3. Thats hilarious..sadly ive. Had mozt of these thoughts in my head at some point….mmmmdoes that make me awful? 😉

  4. Who cares what your dog did in class/practice??? The trial is today!

  5. I once sat at the exit to the agility ring and wrote down all the comments people said to their dogs as they left the corse…which very few were nice, even when they Q’d with their dogs…lighten up people…you’re here to have “FUN” with your dog…

    • I have quit showing akc right now because all the uptight ..competitive…pouting…people. i run nadac..the people are fun. I talk all the time to my dog..but you can bet your butt its funny…and upbeat. I run a terrier for goodness sake i need a good sense of humor!!! Ive heard the judge chuckle at some of our conversations!! I appreciate that! My dog has humbled me!! If you cant take failure and have are in the wrong sport…their dogs!!!!!

      • I love your attitude, Susan!!! It is mine as well! And, I choose to run only NADAC for exactly the same reason!!! I have one Sheltie who is a performer and one Eskie who is tons of fun to watch but who RARELY earns a Q. I enjoy them both so much!

        At our NADAC trials, we have a NBZ … No “Complaining” Zone. And, it is enforced! Makes it really nice!!

  6. Wait, your dog what? And all these years I thought you *meant* to do running contacts!

  7. The start line one was hysterical! Totally!

    I was once told I wasn’t serious enough. I said, I just want my dogs to have fun.

  8. #8 … I often feel compelled to open a booth at shows called “Establishing Firm Foundations (it’s not just for dogs)” Unfortunately those who need it would never visit me.

  9. No that is not coat your your dog is just fat.

  10. You forgot this one

    11. Get off your fucking ass and set a bar

    • Oh soooo true!

  11. I just walked him/her for 15 minutes so I don’t know how he hadanything left to poop/pee in the ring!

  12. My dog had the fastest time of all non-Border Collies!

  13. If he hadn’t knocked those 2 poles he would have won by 3 secs. Well he did so it’s irrelevant

  14. Verbally and/or physically beating up on your dog when you’re out of ear/eyeshot of anyone else does not improve a NQ run or your relationship with your dog!

  15. My dog is a mixed breed and has a several-generation pedigree with different breeds… so NO, I am NOT going to lie to the AKC to get him/her ILP’d as a purebred dog. Crikey.

  16. Spandex is a privilege and not a right. And those goes for both men and women!

  17. Early in my agility career I was invited to dinner with the judge and the club. They were talking about a certain person without mentioning names. I said I didn’t know who they were talking about. They described this person in more detail and I said, “Ah, you mean the woman with the mis-applied Spandex?” They said, “Yep, you got it!”

  18. I am so sorry you have such a [terrible/defiant/lazy/whatever-you-said] dog.
    I will be happy to take him off your hands and find him a home where he will be loved and appreciated.

  19. LOL #9 says it all for me! Thanks for the laugh! Although, I have to say that we don’t have nearly the clothing indiscretions in our area as you seem to in yours! Praise doG!

  20. #7 cracked me up! How true! Although I’m not sure the Pope has the proper authority either.

    • Since you trial up there JoAnn, you KNOW how absurd it is to try to move a dog! We have trialed all over the Country and the PNW is the ONLY place that calls for a press conference every time a dog moves in the run order.

  21. I have a friend whose dog NQ’d due to an off course.My friend said”I bet I would have won the class if he didn’t take that jump.”She proceeded to watch her video replay,count the seconds the off course took,subtract them from the run time and said,”Yep,he would have won.” Well,he didn’t.

  22. Love these! Hey for #1 – can we get some of these to have “on hand” to hand out to the “exhibitors” when needed?? Love you, Helen! We are more alike than you know…

    • BRENDA! Why not give them out like toys to exhibitors? 🙂
      Love you too 🙂

  23. Omg! I should have gone potty before I read this blog! sofa king hysterical!

    • Ha! At first glance I thought “sofa king” was just a weird autocorrect…. 😄

  24. At a local agility trial recently, there was a guy sitting at the top of the steps. He was commando. I now know more about his “junk” that I ever thought necessary, lol… So guys, please keep your legs together if you go commado and wink at me with your eyeballs only…

    • Ew! TMI TMI!

    • I doubt it was accidental.

  25. You are brilliant!

  26. My dog would have beaten your dog if he hadn’t missed the weave entry!

  27. definitely gave me a snort and chuckle.

  28. Tee Hee, snicker, snicker, snort, snort!!!!!!!!!

  29. as you know, your job is to entertain me regularly for the next 6 wks. A great start!

    • I will do the best I can Auntie Lynn.

  30. Oh, yes. You hit the nail(s) on the head with this post, O, Masterful One. My fav is #8. OMG. I would add to that: ENELL. Best bras ever. Some of us are thinking about gifting someone we see on a regular basis. And I mean we SEE. LOLROTFLOL. Thanks, Helen!

  31. It is a personal choice to have 4 dogs in the same jump height. I do not need to hear how very hard it is to run them so close together EVERY SINGLE trial. Just move them in the running order and keep QUIET!

    • In the PNW it is a mortal SIN to move your dog in the running order without Papal permission! They will take away your Qs and give you an “unsportmanlike conduct” violation! NO LIE!

  32. Really, the walk through which has been open FOREVER is now done — GO get your dog and have some fun….

  33. Nice run . . . shame about the handler (which a young kid actually said to ME once following a run)

  34. Helen, you made me laugh out loud. They are not offensive at all…the truth never is!

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